It’s always something…

Yes, there is always a good reason not to ‘sit’ for 10 minutes each day.  I have to feed the dog, or get gas in the van, clean out my closet, make the bed, match all the socks in my sock drawer.  No matter how obscure it seems, the ‘something’ that tells one NOT to sit for the 10 minute meditation is right in front of you….just tempting you with the idea of skipping the simple act of sitting.  As a person with multiple sclerosis I have become accomplished at just sitting.  My fatigue, which is ever-present, is always a reason to sit down.  I can also sit by my living room window and watch the birds on the bird feeders with the blankest expression on my face.  That was made known to me when the neighbor called the police and they came to check on me for a welfare check….since I was sitting there for so long..with my mouth open. I would tell myself…”..that’s like meditating”  so I don’t have to do it today!  HA!  Not really at all like meditating…just giving the neighbors something to point and laugh at…

Today’s distraction is my  nasty cough/lung infection.  But I have read more and more evidence that meditation can be a healing activity.  When I cough is that like having the random scattered thoughts race through your mind as you try to empty it..and you have to ignore those thoughts?  A little harder to ignore a monster hack…but in some ways it is the same as thoughts…acknowledge it…move through it ’till it’s gone and resume….and it would seem that any type of physical ailment or limitation would make meditation even more useful, it takes one’s mind out of that body and into the core or deep soul of yourself, and one might even forget or be more accepting of the illness or ailment..and not so hostile to it…because being hostile to it only means I am hostile to my body.  I already do a great job of that, trash talking myself every chance I get, lecturing myself on how I can’t do anything right.  So…as I write this…maybe my acceptance of this hack/infection is going to make it easier to recover from it…and send it on its way…Meanwhile…back at the Egg…

Egg of Light? I know it is here somewhere….

This is is my upteenth attempt to follow through on something I promised myself…after others prompted me and pushed me.  Writing a blog.  Now why would anyone want to see what I write?  Or know what I think? It seems extraordinarily presumptuous, vein, self centered.  All the things the nuns taught me were inherently wrong with humans.  I finally have come to realize that perhaps it is just for me to use a process to sort things out.  How many times do you think during the day, “…that wasn’t part of the plan.”?  Welcome to my life, seems my whole life turned upside down early on..and despite well laid plans I am in a spot that was never visualized as a young adult.  That is hardly unique to me, but it is still my situation and I am the only one that can ‘sort’ it out and learn what I can from it. No one else can do that for me.  So perhaps a blog with some type of feedback will help as I sort through my journey.

I have always been intrigued by meditation.  As a total Type ‘A’ I felt it might have some use for my intense personality and profession.  However, it would seem I did not get the message, since I did not pursue it with success or regularity.  I would surround myself with all the trappings of a meditative type, or devotee.  But the sheer possession of these did not make it so…as Capt JeanLuc Picard would say….

But as I tried to do the task, all I could think is…I’m not doing this right…or I’m not very good at this….or how come this or this did not happen?   All I could do was find fault with how or what I was doing.  This seems to be a BIG message about my entire self….I often think whatever I am doing, it is not right, or could be done better, or I am just an imposter thinking I can do whatever it is I am doing.  That seems to be a pretty good message.  An insight gained from just a few, and I mean in the single digits, of ‘sitting’ for a meditation.  So, maybe there is something to it.

That, essentially, is the intro to myself as I start this blog.  How I can place it in my mind, or bookmark it, if you will.  The Egg of Light is that elusive yet always present cocoon of Divine Love that meditation tries to help you see and use.  Well, I could not even begin to conjure up an egg of anything above my head as I started meditating.  Egg of Light…that was rich…just visualize it above and slightly in front of your head.  Yeah, and you can visualize my total frustration at wondering if my ‘visualization’ of this Egg was right or not.  Maybe mine was shaped more like a triangle or a rectangle…well, let’s just say I could not get off of that image for the longest time…and my continued questioning of what shape was my egg of light and did I even have one.  Then one is to focus on one’s breathing if one can not keep the ever flowing stream of bits and pieces of your life racing through your head as you try to sit and be with the now.  My now was full of little nagging life details of the current day, the next day, the rest of my life, and past regrets.  So between the egg of light..and focusing on breathing…I could hardly sit still for more than 5 minutes..and then walked away from it wondering o.k. maybe buddhist nun is not in my future, much less an accomplished meditator.  Now there is an interesting concept or picture, what is an accomplished meditator?  What does it look like? How is it defined?  Can one be picked out of a line up?

O.K.  you, with the crooked glasses and the mismatched socks, yeah, you…lights on nobody home…take one step forward….now back…No, officer that is NOT the accomplished meditator.

So I would go back and forth to it, thinking maybe if I sit differently, or use this guided meditation I will be successful. None of the above seemed to enhance or even make my experience more legitimate.  And I could ultimately feel just plain silly.  It did not seem to cost me anything or hurt me so I kept at it.  But like anything, I seem to feel if I just ‘think’ about it it will be as good as actually doing ‘it’.  That goes for meditating, walking, running, doing the weight machines at the Y, washing my face every day, flossing every day.  Sadly despite my best efforts, it has been proven to me time and time again, that ‘thinking’ about ‘it ‘ does NOT get it done, or make one’s body or soul acquire ‘it’s’ benefits.  I had to work through a few months of that dilemma. That, coupled with the continued physical challenges I seem to have over the last two years, it simply fell to the last on the daily ‘to do’ list.  If I even got a list put together.

As ‘they ‘ say…nothing worth doing is easy….or in the words of Berniece…”No guts, no glory.”


does this work?

Does this work?  How does one define ‘work’?  And what exactly is ‘this’?  Is it just the idea of sitting quietly…no matter what one’s brain is doing….is it having to  see the next iteration of your next life with all the glory of angels and light circling around one’s head?  Or is ‘it’ when after fighting off all the random, disconnected and busy static thoughts one gets up from the meditation ‘sit’ exhausted? How can one feel as if one ran a marathon, yet never move a muscle?  Meditate with me…I’ll show you.  HA!  A trick…!  I can’t ‘show’ you anything about this.  That is the other trick to it.  What I do…and what you do…two entirely different things.  While based on the same concept, the individual exercise is just that, individual.  ….what I think is a good ‘sit’ you may determine to be a waste of time.

AHA!  That is the next lesson…what I do has NOTHING to do with what you do.   How I experience or benefit from does not depend on your validation or similar experience.  My experience can be totally unlike any other person’s…and yet be the one experience that is exactly what I need.  My own validation of this experience is what is the key.  My own ability to bring myself to myself and be with myself in a way that acknowledges all of the past…and finds a way through that to the peace and inclusion that is inside me.  When I say inclusion, it is the idea that all I need is already here.  In me, the validation of my own life’s matter is within me.  Not out there with anyone else.  I carry the universe with me, all the time.  I can, at any time, call on it to take me back to that soft spot of peace, warmth and knowledge. So, like the Men In Black movie…the Arquillian galaxy is on Orion’s Belt.  It is right in front of you, right within you, right above you….with that goddamned Egg of Light!