This is is my upteenth attempt to follow through on something I promised myself…after others prompted me and pushed me. Writing a blog. Now why would anyone want to see what I write? Or know what I think? It seems extraordinarily presumptuous, vein, self centered. All the things the nuns taught me were inherently wrong with humans. I finally have come to realize that perhaps it is just for me to use a process to sort things out. How many times do you think during the day, “…that wasn’t part of the plan.”? Welcome to my life, seems my whole life turned upside down early on..and despite well laid plans I am in a spot that was never visualized as a young adult. That is hardly unique to me, but it is still my situation and I am the only one that can ‘sort’ it out and learn what I can from it. No one else can do that for me. So perhaps a blog with some type of feedback will help as I sort through my journey.
I have always been intrigued by meditation. As a total Type ‘A’ I felt it might have some use for my intense personality and profession. However, it would seem I did not get the message, since I did not pursue it with success or regularity. I would surround myself with all the trappings of a meditative type, or devotee. But the sheer possession of these did not make it so…as Capt JeanLuc Picard would say….
But as I tried to do the task, all I could think is…I’m not doing this right…or I’m not very good at this….or how come this or this did not happen? All I could do was find fault with how or what I was doing. This seems to be a BIG message about my entire self….I often think whatever I am doing, it is not right, or could be done better, or I am just an imposter thinking I can do whatever it is I am doing. That seems to be a pretty good message. An insight gained from just a few, and I mean in the single digits, of ‘sitting’ for a meditation. So, maybe there is something to it.
That, essentially, is the intro to myself as I start this blog. How I can place it in my mind, or bookmark it, if you will. The Egg of Light is that elusive yet always present cocoon of Divine Love that meditation tries to help you see and use. Well, I could not even begin to conjure up an egg of anything above my head as I started meditating. Egg of Light…that was rich…just visualize it above and slightly in front of your head. Yeah, and you can visualize my total frustration at wondering if my ‘visualization’ of this Egg was right or not. Maybe mine was shaped more like a triangle or a rectangle…well, let’s just say I could not get off of that image for the longest time…and my continued questioning of what shape was my egg of light and did I even have one. Then one is to focus on one’s breathing if one can not keep the ever flowing stream of bits and pieces of your life racing through your head as you try to sit and be with the now. My now was full of little nagging life details of the current day, the next day, the rest of my life, and past regrets. So between the egg of light..and focusing on breathing…I could hardly sit still for more than 5 minutes..and then walked away from it wondering o.k. maybe buddhist nun is not in my future, much less an accomplished meditator. Now there is an interesting concept or picture, what is an accomplished meditator? What does it look like? How is it defined? Can one be picked out of a line up?
O.K. you, with the crooked glasses and the mismatched socks, yeah, you…lights on nobody home…take one step forward….now back…No, officer that is NOT the accomplished meditator.
So I would go back and forth to it, thinking maybe if I sit differently, or use this guided meditation I will be successful. None of the above seemed to enhance or even make my experience more legitimate. And I could ultimately feel just plain silly. It did not seem to cost me anything or hurt me so I kept at it. But like anything, I seem to feel if I just ‘think’ about it it will be as good as actually doing ‘it’. That goes for meditating, walking, running, doing the weight machines at the Y, washing my face every day, flossing every day. Sadly despite my best efforts, it has been proven to me time and time again, that ‘thinking’ about ‘it ‘ does NOT get it done, or make one’s body or soul acquire ‘it’s’ benefits. I had to work through a few months of that dilemma. That, coupled with the continued physical challenges I seem to have over the last two years, it simply fell to the last on the daily ‘to do’ list. If I even got a list put together.
As ‘they ‘ say…nothing worth doing is easy….or in the words of Berniece…”No guts, no glory.”